listen up you young whippersnapper

Last weekend marked the second annual holiday cocktail party that my roommates and I decide to put on every year and it was a killer party. Losta good things happend that night and it was full of holiday cheer. First of I got uber plastered much like many of the other guests. It wasn't till the next morning that I comprehended just how much I had drank. In the end it was the sweet delicious amaretto that did me in. Its just sooooo good. Anyways on to the good stuff. The first rediculous thing that happened that night was for some reason all my female friends decided to hang out in my room and watch all the porn that was on my computer. In the end they said that I needed some better porn.

The next rediculous thing was strait out of the book "rediculous crap that always happens to Jake." As the night went on I found myself chillin with one of my fine lady friends. An in quite an unjakelike turn of events we ended up in my room enjoying each others company. And just as the getting was good BOOM! people are knocking on my door and just comin in to get their coats. Game over Jake. Thats all she wrote, theres no way I could rebound from that. The funny thing is that there was this little voice in my head that was telling me the whole time to just hold up, throw the coats out in the hallway, and lock the door. Just a little "lock the door Jake, someone's gunna come in so lock that fucking door." But did I listen. no. and look where it got me. well life goes on and I learn from my mistakes.

Luckily that wasn't the most embarrassing thing that happened that night. at the same time i was getting rudely interrupted my roommate was trying to get with this other peach. I had introduced the two cuz my roommate has a thing for her and she was just looking for some lovin. So I threw my roommate a bone. hehehe. And he was doin a good job to right up to the moment that he projectile vomited on her arm. HAHAHAHA!!!! how does that happen? Anyways she came running out clearly grossed out of her mind. and proceeded to leave the party as fast as she could. Poor guy. I hope he can find an "I'm sorry I puked on you" card.

All in all a holiday party that will be remembered for a long time. I can just see myself as and old geezer sitting on my rocking chair and some young whippersnapper walks by and I'll be like "Did I ever tell you about the time my roommate threw up on the girl he liked and I learned to never use my room to store the coats?" and he'll say no and sit down cuz the tagline is so interesting and I'll regal him with my wonderful story. yay! good times good times.


The End

So with the semester's end nigh upon me I've been looking back at those goals I made for myself at the beginning. And if I'm lucky I'll have done one of them. And it isn't the girlfriend one. Not for a lack of trying though. I think I'm in the wrong environment to find one though. Its like I'm hunting for polar bears in south africa. Lets do the math. I believe my school student body is like 60% female, now thats a good number. But lets add in all the factors that are working against me.

one: some of those chicks already have skeezy boyfriends. that reduces it to like 40%.

two: I go to an art school so a lot of the chicks are just incredibly fucking weird. like mohawk weird. so i'm at like 30% now

three: some of the chicks are just fucking ugos or bahemoths. 20%

four: I'm too picky for my own good. 10%

five: lesbians. 5%

so there you have it. 5%!!!! that's all i've got to work with here. and a good portion of that five percent are just newly single or newly on the market so i get shafted by the whole "they've been hurt before and don't wanna rush anything". fuck me. also you chicks out there are fucking nuts and don't know a good thing when I walk by. thats a fact. deal with it. sex me up.